I didn’t have the luxury of time to figure out what caused my unsettled feelings. No matter what is happening with your life, it happens and time passes by. So before I’d even began to register that something was really amiss Easter was upon us.
We had the bank holiday weekend to ourselves. We had thought up many schemes of things to do about whether we went home for the weekend, stayed in London just the two of us or joined my parents as they planned on visiting my Aunt in sussex. In the end we opted for the latter.
Megan by this point had already proven to be rather enthusiastic about baking and cooking in general. My mother had gifted her a magazine with some cute cupcake ideas for Easter treats. We happily bought the ingredients and planned on making them to bring with us to Sussex, expecting the my cousin’s two little girls would love them. In the end I think I ended up eating most of them myself.
Since my Aunty had moved back to Sussex I really hadn’t been able to see much of her. We had become used to spending Christmas together every year to being separated by more than a hundred miles again. It was nice to be able to get together again. Megan and I planned on spending a day in Brighton just the two of us, and my Aunty always made sure there were plenty of treats for us all to enjoy.
My family happen to be experts in making fun of each other and all seem to possess the ability to poke fun and be laughed at as well as each other. Megan, although shy to begin with was able to keep up with us most of the time. One thing was always certain, there would always be laughter when we all got together. Megan took to my extended family as well as she did with my immediate family and seemed to enjoy spending time with my cousins little girls too.
I had been to Brighton many times over the years. In my childhood it was days at the seaside with my family on our visits to my Aunty when she had lived there before, one time I even went to a concert with my cousins there when we were just tweenagers. It was quite amusing since Brighton attracts many stag and hen parties and while we were queueing we happened to see a lot of men dressed as pantomime dames flashing their bloomers.
I thought I knew Brighton pretty well, I had always managed to find the high street, the pavilion and the pier. As I grew older the gay bars were also frequented, I’d even ended up at Brighton’s Pride street party once on a whim.
This time however was completely different, Megan and I wondered aimlessly around the Lanes. It was a part of Brighton I actually hadn’t experienced before. I couldn’t fathom how, since they’re not exactly Brighton’s best kept secret and more of a main attraction. We also managed to navigate our way to the Choccywoccydoodah cafe for a slice of ridiculously rich chocolate cake. I was in heaven.
We spent the whole day away from the family enjoying a day out by ourselves and when we returned to the rest of the family we had all had a great time. My brother and his wife didn’t join us at my Aunt’s since they were away on holiday. My parents had been dog-sitting for them and their gorgeous puppy Beau was with us for the weekend.
I was instantly in love with the little ball of fluff. She was so wonderfully well behaved for such a young pup and had thankfully mastered the toilet training very early on. We managed to persuade my brother to let us have her for the night at the end of the Easter break, they’d be able to pick her up from our place on the way back from the airport after their holiday.
It would be the first and only time Ryan would get to visit me in London and it was truly a fleeting visit. Still it was quite cool for him to see our apartment and what we had done with the place. I wished we could have a dog ourselves. We had enjoyed having her for the day so much, but it’s really not fair when we both work long hours and live in a second floor apartment with only a communal garden that’s not even fenced in.
Maybe one day we’d have a puppy. It was something I know Megan missed about home, since she had a dog and at least three cats when she had been living by herself before. It was just one of those compromises of living in the city that we’d have to get used to. I was certainly managing to adjust to not having a car, although mostly because Megan had willingly allowed me to take up the task of driving most of the time, once I had gotten used to her little Hyundai and I generally started to feel like it was my car too, and pay for half it’s upkeep.
I felt like I came back from our Easter jaunt refreshed and with a renewed vigour. My unsettled state of mind had been successfully swept away and I was enjoying the distractions that we had managed to find over the bank holiday weekend.
Being at the office over the recent weeks was still a bit of a roller coaster and I couldn’t tell from one day to the next whether it would pass successfully or frustratingly. I tried to keep my head down and get on with things, however my new role brought more responsibilities and accountability with it that I hadn’t earlier anticipated and I was still struggling to adjust. Any niggling doubts or insecurities I felt during this time were attributed to my workalike and not my homelife.
In essence I sensed more than realised that something might be wrong. I was holding on to any illusion of control that I had over the situation. I chose when to be happy and content and when to let my frustrations take hold of me. I was often happier to be frustrated at work and try for happiness when at home. However for Megan it was the opposite, she seemed happiest at work and negligent when at home. It was a difference in her that didn’t go unnoticed by me for long.