Love is a verb

It’s not enough to say you love someone, your every action has to show it. I may not be talking about big romantic gestures or a burning passion that results in lots of animalistic sex. Both are great don’t get me wrong and the longer that sort of thing can be sustained the better, I’m talking about something more sustainable.

Things like every so often make a concerted effort for your other half. Treat a night out with each other like a date, give each other your undivided attention, yes that means ignore your phone, stop tweeting and facebooking the night away. In short I’m saying BE THERE! I mean really be there, don’t just sit beside each other night after night watching the L word or Lip Service with nothing to say to each other.

I wanted so much more than what we seemed to have. I missed our honeymoon period where everything felt warm and fuzzy. I wasn’t naive enough to think we would ever experience the honeymoon period again, I just wanted more than what Lara and I had become. To me, Lara wasn’t even my best friend anymore, Heidi, Daryl and Michael had long since filled that spot. The moment that Lara went from best friend to girlfriend there were certain feelings and frustrations I’d never be able to confide in her without hurting her feelings.

Every time I approached the subject of the complete lack of intimacy between us I did so carefully. I chose my words explicitly to be clear about my feelings yet in such a way as to try not to upset Lara. However the more frustrated I became with these conversations the harder I found it to be sensitive in this situation. The more times we had this conversation the more frustrated I became. I was slowly coming to realise that Lara essentially was behaving quite selfishly.

She was looking after number one. If she was Ok, happy with everything as it was, then why should she work at our relationship to make me happy, why I couldn’t I just be happy with the same things she was? This might have been a valid point had I not known just how capable she was of giving me everything I longed for. I knew it because we’d lived it before, there were times when we were together when I was completely content and couldn’t have wished for more, they faded away too quickly and I was desperately trying get us back on track.

Lara consistently claimed to be at fault. Every time I brought something to the table about how I was feeling and showing my willingness to work on us, Lara would do the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ thing. It’s almost impossible to argue with, when someone is telling you there is nothing you can do to make your relationship better but just wait, they’ve heard what you have to say and they’ll change. What can you do?

Every so often there would be a catalyst to all my dissatisfaction. This might come from events such as with the Majorca holiday when Lara lapped up the attention from another woman without a second thought about my feelings, or always outwardly portraying herself as single online and even sometimes completely ignoring me in social situations among friends.

This leads me on to something I probably shouldn’t have done. In my defence I was feeling unloved, taken for granted and frustrated. With that in mind when I noticed one afternoon that Lara had left herself logged into gaydargirls and a message popped up, I read it. It was Rose, which made me angry enough, to think that she had the audacity to get in touch at all infuriated me. However the message was clearly out of the blue, a ‘hello, long time no speak’ type of thing so I responded. I wrote quite clearly that it was myself responding and not Lara and that I would think it best for Rose not to contact us again. (for those of you just reading for the first time now, here’s the background on Rose)

Once again, I was completely honest with Lara about what I had done. It was clear that she was really upset with me about what I had done, however she couldn’t really let fly at me. She agreed to cut Rose and Megan out of our lives if we moved on with our relationship. I was never going renege on this condition. For a while I was unbearable, my insecurities flaring up again, I knew I’d never heard the whole truth of the situation between them and I found it hard to let that go.

So for a time it was my turn to be a bad girlfriend, when I decided to stay with Lara I should have accepted what that really would mean for us. I should have been prepared to let go of the past and not hold it against her every time I felt hurt as we moved forwards. It’s a lesson learned for me in that sense, unless I can forgive someone completely and stand by that decision I find it ultimately easier these days to cut and run, why give someone another chance to hurt you again when you can even get over the pain of the last time?

You might be mistaken if you think all of this was dramatic, somehow the boredom continued. I was waiting for that spark, where did it go, did we ever really even have it? To put it bluntly, I’m a woman with needs and I missed having sex. We would (I would…) go months without and Lara would act like she didn’t even notice, that was until I would bring it up.

So let’s talk about sex baby… the only time we ever had good sex these days was when Lara was drunk. If we ever had sex at any other time it would feel awkward, like there was too much pressure on each other to firstly be having sex at all and secondly to be able to relax enough and just enjoy it.

There was too much going on in her head and mine for that to even be possible while sober. Lara claimed the pressure to have sex made her think too much during the act and I noticed that we only typically had sex anymore about a week or two after we’d had one of our talks. It wasn’t exactly romantic or spontaneous. It was just one more thing to add to our already depressing routine.

Every time she touched me I felt like it was done out of necessity. Lara was keeping up a facade to keep our relationship ticking along and in the hope of having an easy life. After all if she kissed me goodnight each evening and told me she loved me every day what could I possibly complain about? Still, something about the contact between us was beginning to feel unnatural.

Is it so wrong to want intimacy, to crave someones touch, their kiss, to spend your days longing for them and the nights fulfilling that desire? Isn’t letting go of every insecurity and losing yourself in each other the best way to show that you love someone? Sure, life happens and for a while things can get in the way. Like the stress of a new job, feeling like crap because you aren’t happy with your weight or general appearance, what ever the reason for a blip that’s what it should be, a blip. When you deal with those stresses and feelings you should be able to move past them.

Lara’s behaviour reminded me of her frostiness of an earlier time. A time that I later discovered her to have been keeping a huge secret from me, she always claimed to never had cheated on me, I never believed that. Here we were again, lesbian bed death. Only I was the one with the problem, the one wanting more. Lara made out like she had all her needs fulfilled from our relationship, that there was nothing she would change… I always felt like the bad guy for doing nothing except confiding in my girlfriend when I wanted us to be happier.

My conclusion… It’s not enough to just be friends, love is a verb, without action is means nothing.

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One thought on “Love is a verb

  1. Pingback: Goals: Love |

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