Out of the blue

I’m not sure exactly where this memory fits in the timeline of Lara and my relationship. I think it may have been quite early on, and a number of months after the the general distancing between Katy and I, you wouldn’t have called us friends any longer. There was never any horrible scene where we gave up the acquaintance out of hurt, spite or anything like that. We had just drifted apart and were moving in different circles.

I think if my memory serves me right, that when Katy contacted me out of the blue it was after Lara and I had gone through the mess with Megan and Rose but before we really started hanging out with Heidi and Daryl. I guess that would put us in the summer of 2008.

I hadn’t heard from Katy for months, I think the last time we might have even seen each other was when we were taking turns to do the favour of the airport run for each other as we went on holidays in 2007. After that we hadn’t even really spoken to each other in a long time and we no longer had any close mutual friends. Early after we split and Katy had gotten with her new girlfriend I had a call in the middle of the night once, Katy was clearly upset and asked me if she had been a bad girlfriend. I didn’t really give an answer, we were over for a reason after all and I think she realised she was having this conversation with the wrong person and hung up. She never sought me out for relationship advice again until this one day completely out of the blue.

I don’t remember if she called or text me, but we arranged to meet up for lunch to catch up. I was a bit puzzled and told Lara that I couldn’t see why she wanted to talk to me but curiosity led me to agree to meet. We went to a local farm shop which has a cafe with the best toasted tea cakes and I waited for Katy to get to the point.

It wasn’t long before Katy did get to the point, the dynamic of her relationship was about to change and she was scared. Katy and Amy had been together over a year by this point but they had always been long distance seeing each other on average about twice a month, maybe more, I wouldn’t know. Amy had graduated University and was looking for work in the area, when she found a job that meant that they’d no longer be long distance and Katy was panicking.

After what happened between us when we moved in together, when the commitment had terrified her and triggered a long sequence of bad decisions on both sides I can understand her concerns. I realised that Katy was worried about history repeating itself, that she wouldn’t be able to cope with the relationship when they were living in close proximity, seeing each other every day.

I think I offered some sound advice. I explained that the problems we had came about because our relationship was already broken beyond repair at the point we decided to move in together. It couldn’t be more clear to me that Katy and Amy had a much healthier relationship than we had ever had, and I told her so. Katy was a different person with Amy, more relaxed, more secure. At least, thats how it appeared to me, and how it came across when we talked that day.

I got Katy to talk to me about the future she though her and Amy would have, and when she had managed to talk for quite a while about things they had daydreamed together I pointed out that at some point she’d have to close the distance and actually be with this girl. A few months later Amy got a job and moved to the area, I never heard another word from Katy when it came to relationship advice.

We talked once or twice in passing, then drifted further and further apart. Until one day, I discovered that she actually had come to hate me. I don’t know when that happened, I didn’t even notice for a long time since this was the last conversation I could remember with her. I never questioned the silence between us, it seemed perfectly natural for us simply not to be in each others lives anymore, it would be a number of years later when our paths crossed again that I even noticed, when in mixed company it seemed to be a herculean effort for her just to be civil to me.

I couldn’t figure out why, but it never bothered me, there was reason enough on both sides for us to hate each other. I just find it takes a lot of effort to harbour such intense feelings of hate and in the long run you’re the only one hurting. If you manage to hate someone so intensely for such a long time it just shows that you’ve never let go of the hurt or the pain, that you’ve never really moved on. Even now, I wouldn’t say I hate her, with all the years that have passed I just don’t care enough to hate her, she’s a collection of memories and experiences, a whole host of lessons learned and nothing more.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s