The decision had been made to go to Cornwall with our relationship hanging in the balance. Lara wouldn’t offer any other explanation of events, I still didn’t think her story was very believable. So I had some tough decisions to make and I wanted to make them quickly.
Firstly if I didn’t believe her, what was the worse case scenario? If her story wasn’t true the worst case I could imagine was that she cheated on me. That she returned Rose’s feelings and they had been carrying on behind my back. Could I forgive that?
To be honest, no I couldn’t. I think deep down I always knew that this was the truth of the situation however I simply didn’t want to believe it. Instead I chose to believe Lara’s lies, at least if I did that I would be able to gives things another go, I could pretend that she loved me as much as ever and that we had a chance of a future together.
So I let my heart win. I was cautious as we moved on, I would look for any signs that I was making a big mistake. I had just one condition for taking her back, it was that we would drop all acquaintance with Megan and Rose. I didn’t want to see or hear from either of them again, I felt like it would be the only way I could move on and forget about what might have happened.
Lara agreed to this quite easily. We went through the motions of deleting them off our Facebook friends lists and severing all ties, I explained to Megan why I wouldn’t be keeping in touch with her. I remember getting a couple of messages from her saying how it was unfair that we could no longer be friends because of what the two of them had done. I felt the same, yet since she was staying with Rose and I was staying with Lara I just couldn’t see any way our friendship would work, there was just too much hate in that dynamic. Megan hated Lara and I hated Rose.
The camping trip was our recovery mission, it was clear that Lara was attempting to prove to me that she was committing to our relationship. She made an effort to be close to me that I hadn’t seen for a very long time, we slept together every night while we were away and the demons in my head screamed at me that all of this was happening out of guilt.
Although I’d already made the decision to move on and to stay with Lara it wasn’t as easy as that. I knew I might not ever fully recover from this, that from now on things might always just be a little bit worse than they had been. It would be a long time before I would feel wanted by Lara, the only thing I had to hold onto at this moment was that when it came to it, when Rose had split up with Megan to pursue Lara she chose me, not her.
The demons that I thought I had left behind were now ever-present. I didn’t feel like me so much anymore, my confidence was shaken and I needed assurance. I didn’t seek it, but I expected it. I expected Lara to want to be a better girlfriend going forward, to listen to me when I expressed how I felt and respond to my needs. I encouraged her to talk to me if she wasn’t happy, all I ever wanted was a chance to work on our relationship if things needed to be better.
It’s a concept that I see now was lost on Lara, she doesn’t like to talk about her feelings, she’d rather seek attention from outside the relationship to quiet any fears or insecurities she might have. It didn’t seem to mean anything to her anymore when I told her ‘I love you’ or if I expressed any form of attraction to her. Yet the second someone else expressed even the slightest interest it would make her day. I just couldn’t get my head around that. I don’t think any one person will ever be enough for her, it’s been the pattern of her life for so long.
Yet we talked about all this, Lara confessed it to be one of her demons, one that she’d overcome to make things work between us. I had to give her that chance didn’t I? I owed my heart that much, if we could both overcome our demons we could recover those moments of perfect that we had shared before. My head said I was a fool.