I try not to judge people too quickly, I often give more chances than people truly deserve and I always try to see the best in someone. It’s my best quality and my worst quality. Sometimes I’m too trusting and forgiving for my own good, often turning my back on that ‘gut reaction’ or ‘intuition’ that reacts to first impressions. I prefer to reserve judgement until I get to know a person.
Yet try as I may I took an instant dislike to Rose. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it, maybe I felt threatened by the flirty nature that had sprung up between Lara and Rose, or perhaps that way she would put her girlfriend, Megan down in front of us. After a few times of meeting up as the four of us I figured it out. I didn’t like her because everything about her reminded me of Katy, she was like her mini-me. Exactly the same attitude, dress sense, haircut, disregard for her partners feelings… it didn’t exactly warm her to me.
Then of course the flirting was annoying. On the flip side, I got on with Megan rather well. Eventually when I realised that Lara wasn’t going to drop this friendship based on my dislike of Rose and I never really asked her to, I decided to make the most of a bad situation and found a friend in Megan. I would quite often stick up for her, there were many times when Lara and I were alone together when I would be outspoken about how I disapproved of the way Rose treated Megan when she seemed to be such a sweet girl.
I was cautious around the pair of them, I didn’t know how much they could be trusted, they were an unknown entity and I’d been burned by friends before. I don’t trust easily and they’d have to earn it just like anybody else. Since Lara and I were so comfortable with each other by this point I would be completely honest with her about how I perceived them, that I found it hard to warm to them.
I particularly found it difficult that they were so young, it limited the activities we could all do when we were together. We spent a lot of time hanging out at each others houses, ordering in pizza and watching crap on TV. It was exactly the same stuff we’d be getting up to as just the two of us, except now we were four. I would have preferred to be going out for dinners, maybe a few drinks out in Bath and enjoying a change of scenery from time to time. However since they were so young they either couldn’t afford dining out regularly on part time incomes or weren’t old enough to be going out drinking.
Needless to say the variety didn’t make things better with the problems that Lara and I were facing with LBD. I was getting more and more frustrated by the day. Not just with the lack of intimacy, but I missed feeling wanted and the general affection. Things would seem to go in peaks and troughs, some days it we’d be on a high and things would be great for a week or two, then so quickly everything would settle again into our ‘married couple’ routine, we were in a rut. Things only ever picked up when I’d bring it up and it was fleeting.
It was a time of year when Christmas would be fast approaching, we had plans for Christmas which would be divided between our families, then New Year would be upon us and I had planned a house party at my place. During December we’d also be celebrating Rose’s 18th birthday which meant that we were one step closer to being able to go out drinking all together, I was looking forward to that at least.
It’s only now when I’m looking back I can see how disjointed our relationship had already become, things certainly weren’t running as smoothly as I thought they were at the time. Since I’m all too willing to see the good in other people I’m forever second guessing my own better judgement.
My intuition was telling me something was wrong and the dynamic of mine and Lara’s relationship had changed for a reason, however because I didn’t want it to be true and because I wanted to be able to trust Lara and what we had I let her assure me over and over that everything was Ok, I believed her when she said I had nothing to worry about. I should have trusted my instincts, it would be months before I realised that, and years before I learned from it.