What’s LBD I hear no-one ask? Well it’s not a ‘little black dress’ not least of all because I would never actually fit into a ‘little’ black dress, curvy and proud! It’s the most unfortunate topic any lesbian could find themselves writing about, the dreaded curse of Lesbian Bed Death.
It’s like being put in the friend zone when you’ve already been dating for days, months, years and typically one person is desperate to rekindle the passion and the other just isn’t fussed. Sometimes this feels like the story of my life. Please note, I’m the one typically desperate to rekindle the passion, call me crazy, but I actually enjoy sex with the woman I love, it’s not a chore, it’s never boring and I can’t get enough.
I thought I had experienced L.B.D. in my first relationship with Katy, what I had in-fact experienced was that she was a serial cheat and was getting it elsewhere, again please note, this is not the same as L.B.D. So my experience had already taught me to be suspicious when the passion becomes diluted in any relationship, so when things began to ebb with Lara and I, sure, I was concerned.
We had settled into a routine so quickly, since we’d been friends for so long before we got together I imagine it’s what it would be like to start dating someone about 3 months in already. There’s not as long a honeymoon period because you already know each other pretty well.
Shortly after we’d gotten back from Corfu it wasn’t long before we were too busy for sex, each time we’d climb into bed together, snuggle up and lay like spoons have a good night kiss and that would be all. I appreciate the simple things and this was still a little slice of perfect. Yet when the relationship barometer slides from ‘hot summer nights’ to ‘lukewarm with an occasional breeze’ after a month or two you notice, then it plays on your mind, then you start whining to your friends about it and then eventually you pluck up the courage to have ‘that’ conversation.
Firstly you go through all the internalising agony. What if she’s not attracted to me anymore? Is it because I’ve put on weight since we’ve been together? Am I not good in bed? Pfft that can’t be it! Maybe she hasn’t noticed? Am I just sex-mad? When you realise that you can’t possibly answer any one of these questions on your own you might confide in a friend.
For me it was Michael, since we worked together and worked a lot of the same shifts and even shared a lift every time we could we had plenty of time to talk. Then, once you’ve opened the lid on your insecurities and opened up about some relationship blips you realise that the honeymoon period is dead. Michael would listen to me talk myself round in circles patiently, when he’d talk about his girlfriend I’d willingly listen too. In those days we didn’t attempt to solve each others problems we were just a sounding board for each other.
However we did operate a very good distraction technique, every so often we would need an outlet, a way to get some time away from the every day relationship grind. That was a year filled with concerts, we went to so many in such a short space of time, Michael would pay for the tickets and I would drive us all over the UK to different venues each time. We had a great time, I love having Michael as my concert buddy. The distractions were great but they didn’t make the problems go away.
Eventually I plucked up the courage to speak with Lara, she claimed not to have noticed that our sex-life was any different. So it was just me then, I was sex mad. Then I thought some more, it’s not like I was demanding sex daily, I just wanted to feel wanted, to be sure that Lara still wanted me like I wanted her. Affection more than sex was what was important to me.
We talked some more and eventually discussed the bubble effect. We’d been living in our own little bubble separately from anyone and everything around us that we had settled too quickly into a ‘married couple’ routine. We’d have to shake things up a bit, socialise more, make new friends, stop the endless stream of communication so that we had something to talk about each evening. It seemed pretty reasonable to me.
I was willing to be talked down of the ledge, the way I was beginning to feel was a big problem for me. I need to feel wanted, what girl doesn’t? Lara had assured me that she was still attracted to me, that it was just her, her sex-drive wasn’t what it had been, she didn’t know how it was making me feel, and now that we had addressed some of the obstacles in our way we could start to get back on track.
Needless to say, this isn’t the last conversation we would ever have about LBD. It’s around about this time Lara introduced me to a couple that she knew, I wasn’t exactly sure how she came to know them to begin with. I think I assumed that because she worked at the same supermarket with one of the girls that was how we all came to be friends. Anyway, there’s names were Megan and Rose. They were both just 17, after a while I realised that Lara and Rose had been chatting online, Megan worked at the supermarket with Lara and after a few short exchanges we all arranged to meet up as a foursome.
So that’s where I’ll leave things for now, it was probably about October 2007, I had noticed and acted on the non-existent love life between Lara and I, we had made some new acquaintances and I had opened up to Michael about the flaws within our relationship. I’ve long since come to realise that I need that anchor when I’m in a relationship, someone I can sound off to just so that I’m not ‘nagging’ my other half about the same crap over and over again. I wasn’t sure what I made of our new acquaintances, I wasn’t too keen for that first meeting, but I went along with it. Friendships can have an interesting impact on you individually, and when you’re making friends as a ‘couple’ they can have a very drastic impact in that dynamic too.