More like me

There comes a time in any relationship that has lasted a long time when you realise that it’s changed you as a person. You may have heard it called the ‘lesbian urge to merge’ it’s not just as simple as dressing alike, matching haircuts and pretending to have the same interests. Sometimes it worse than that, sometimes you can feel a little lost, on the verge of some kind of identity crisis when you just need to feel a little more like you again.

During this time if I looked back at the past two months my life had changed so dramatically. I had seen my disastrously destructive relationship end, finally felt truly accepted by my family and was about to embark on the adventure of a new relationship. All of these were such positive changes, but everyone will tell you that change is stressful.

It didn’t take long for me to start feeling more like me, when I would spend time with Michael, Billy, Ryan and the rest of the guys I would feel like the same person I was before Katy, before all the drama. It was great, with them I could be just as outgoing as I always had been. It took me a while to accept that the relationship had changed me, instilled deep rooted insecurities that might even take a lifetime to undo.

I was conscious of a lot of things, I didn’t like how I looked, I had been putting on weight at a steady pace in recent months, I have an unhealthy relationship with food, I don’t like it… But that’s a whole other story which I couldn’t do justice to in just one post, but my independent research indicates that I might have food neophobia, if you’re interested just look it up. I might look into hypnosis one day.

Yet again, I digress, my biggest problem from now on would be recovering from broken trust and not letting it affect my future. Everything seemed to happen so quickly when I found myself moving from one relationship to the next, I was so happy, although it didn’t help me get back to feeling more like me and take some time to heal.

Lara had been my friend for so long, she had been the one person I would turn to when I wanted to process all my complex feelings, now I was in a pickle. There were things I was feeling that I just couldn’t share with Lara anymore, I needed to get a grip on my trust issues without making Lara feel that I would never be able to trust her, or anyone ever again.

It didn’t help that Katy and I were still attempting to be friends, I even tried to speak seriously with her once or twice about the damage we had caused each other. However once she realised I found it hard to trust she used the information to her advantage, taking he first opportunity she could to tell me that Lara was seeing someone else at the same time we had started dating.

To this day I don’t know if that was true, whether she was hoping to come between us by playing on my insecurities or what ever her motives were. I forced myself to react rationally, I began to think around the problem Katy presented, trying to weigh it all up with logic. Sure my heart sunk at the mere mention of this possibility and screamed ‘Why me?’ but I kept that locked up inside.

Katy had named the person in question by first name only, and I thought about it. There were two possibilities, a previous lover or Lara’s or a work colleague who I knew to be gay but Lara and her barely seemed to know each other. So for half a minute I took Katy’s allegation seriously, then I thought about how since we’d started seeing each other we’d been practically inseparable, where on earth could Lara have found the time for another woman?

I pride myself on being honest, so that’s what I opted for in the end. I spoke with Lara and told her what Katy had accused and how it made me feel and that I didn’t truly believe it to be true. I like to think she appreciated my honesty, we both put it down to Katy just attempting to sabotage our new relationship. We were able to get over this tiny minuscule hurdle by talking things over like sensible young adults.

This is how I always picture being able to manage difficult situations when you’re in love and care enough about each other not to take cheap swipes. If anything helped me to feel more like me again it was this moment. I can tell you now that we never once argued about this the whole time we would be together, it was resolved and would be forgotten about in the happiness that followed.

Times wouldn’t always be good, all relationships have their ups and downs. The early days had been a little bumpy since we had hurt some people close to us, but we had each other and that was enough. I felt like me again, and in those moments when I was reacting to a past experience rather than something in the moment I thought I could recognise it for what it was and master my demons before they would consume me and make me a tyrant.


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