Retrospective

It’s important for me to at least try to remember the good with the bad. Otherwise I just feel pretty stupid for putting up with how things were.I have missed out some key events, mostly because they don’t come to my memory as easily as the negative things do.

So today I remembered Ireland, a group of us had gone to Dublin for a week to enjoy the city and celebrate Nick’s 21st birthday. Ryan had already turned 21 and we had missed the party, Nick was the oldest of us after Ryan and we would start the 21st’s in style. We rented an apartment for the week and did the touristy stuff like a tour of the Guinness factory, experienced the Irish taverns on cobbled streets with fiddlers and accents rather difficult to understand. We shopped by day and drunk by night, it was a good week away. Katy and I had a great time, this all happened shortly before we moved in together. It’s moments like these that I would cling onto in those dark days telling myself that it’s all worth it because when things are good they’re great.

Then there was Christmas, our first one in our home together. Sure things were strained at this time, but we made an effort for each other. Katy was really good at buying gifts, really thoughtful ones where she had paid attention to what I liked and wanted, with just the smallest of hints. I would try to be equally as generous. During the Christmas of 2005 however I was struggling financially from the move and the time without work, what I did know was that Katy had been wanting a new mobile phone for a while and couldn’t afford one. So I got a contract for her so that she could have a shiny new phone of her choice and I would pay the bill as my gift to her. I bought some other smaller insignificant things too but that’s about all I remember. Oh and we had another P!nk concert to look forward to, although the concert wouldn’t take place until late in 2006.

I don’t pretend to recall everything with perfect recollection. I never have, so I’m not surprised when people remember things differently to how I have. I will however say that everything I have told to date is true although the sequence of events may be incorrect.

So, when everything had come to an end with Michelle and Katy and I were left with the fragments of our relationship wondering if it was worth putting back together again it wasn’t a simple process. On the one hand we were tangled up in so many ways, our rental agreement, an upcoming concert, her mobile contract, mutual friends. We had to at least try to be friends if we couldn’t be anything else, we had done that before with mixed results.

I felt guilty a lot in those days, yet too proud and stubborn to admit my mistakes, which were plenty. I knew I had hurt Katy when she discovered the rules had been broken in our wonky open relationship. I never explained that the rules were broken long before she’d set them, I didn’t see what good that would do. My biggest mistake was going along with the lies and adding more on top as I made up stupid details to make our story sound believable.

It didn’t matter how much I reminisced over everything we had gotten right, what had happened between Katy and I this time couldn’t be swept aside and ignored. Katy couldn’t let go of the relationship so easily. I continued my frosty behaviour and futilely attempted to put some emotional distance between us. We might have been stuck in the same house for the next four months but she didn’t need to know my every move.

That was around about the same time I realised that I wasn’t the only gay in the office. That’s when I started talking to Rachel, she was an interesting character to say the least. We would often find ourselves on the same shifts working late into the night when the phones were quiet. That’s when the emails began. It was harmless fun, a bit of office flirting which made the evenings fly by. Rachel was literally twice my age with a wealth of life experience and rather interested in the BDSM scene, which I had absolutely no experience of.

I was single but not free during the next couple of months. There was no way I could be out all night and bring women home. I had a full time job and an ex-girlfriend I shared a room with, things were complicated. Tensions were running high. There was hurt on both sides. I felt sorry for Nick and all the arguments he had to hear while he was living with us. I started going out less in Bath and reconnecting with Michael, Billy and the rest of the guys. I needed some normality back in my life. I’d had enough lesbian drama for a while.

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