Which way is up?

Not knowing which way is up is fine when you know you’re having a great time. Not so fine when you’re blundering through life without any meaning or direction. Still I missed all the best things about being home in Somerset but I didn’t want to admit to it. The three months between Christmas and Easter break found my life to be filled with alcohol and well, sex.

One weekend I remember quite clearly is when Katy came to visit, she travelled up alone which I was nervous about as I was expecting Peter to come with her. Peter was getting on so well with the Uni lot that when he came to stay it was getting rare for him to stay over at my place at all. While I was home for Christmas we had a great time, I didn’t know if we’d be so lucky in Portsmouth, or if she’d happen to hate what I was like when I was with my friends here.

It was the first time that Katy ever saw me drunk, since before I arrived at University I had always refused to drink. I had certainly been witness to Katy drunk before and although even when intoxicated I still couldn’t manage to get her to dance with me in when out at a club I had a feeling that an evening out drinking was what we needed to ease the tension. Neither of us seemed to be able to figure out how things should be between us, were we casually seeing each other? Were we friends with benefits, or something more exclusive? It was hard to tell these days, one thing however was clear, there was still chemistry between us.

We ended up at 227 a small and dingy gay club that opened up when the gay bar downstairs closed at last orders. This place had already become a home from home for me, it’s where I would hang out with my friends, and I knew nearly all the regulars by name. I recently rediscovered a photo from the night in question, we were in a small beer garden outside since Katy smoked and I was clearly feeling the effects of the alcohol as in this picture I have a pint glass full of water in my hand. In the picture we both look like we’re having an amazing time and we’re grinning from ear-to-ear. I can’t remember much of the night out, but I remember everything from when we got home that night.

That night we got back to my room and we both had just one thing on our minds and it wasn’t long before we were ripping each others clothes off. I think if I were to have a top ten memorable moments with Katy this one would be right up there, even though it was such a confusing time, this night together was certainly one to remember. One vivid memory I have is at one point we thought it was a good idea to cram ourselves into the shower in my tiny en-suite and somehow I managed to crack my head on the towel rail, but even that didn’t stop us. We didn’t sleep that night and by the morning we were exhausted, satisfied yet still just as confused about our complicated relationship as the day before.

The weekend we spent together was one of the few where we weren’t playing silly and petty games with each other. I think this might have had something to do with being away from home. It was too easy for Katy to act up back home in Somerset among the people she knows, trying to make me jealous by flaunting these girls she had met in my face and being flirtatious with them. Of course it worked, I was jealous, I was also over-confident that if I wanted Katy back it was always within my grasp. That if I said the words ‘I want you back’ that we would be back together in a heartbeat, did that mean I was using her?

I didn’t know my own mind anymore, I had no idea what I wanted. Every time me and Katy were together it was amazing, but it still wasn’t enough to make me forget what she had been like, the way I never felt trusted or that I could really be my own person without her approval. By this time though, I was grieving for the relationship we had and romanticising over our fond memories of everything good and not remembering any of the bad times. I kept this all to myself, I didn’t feel like I could admit to anyone how I really felt, least of all Katy. I didn’t want to give her false hope, I still didn’t know if getting back together would be the right thing to do.

So we parted ways at the end of the weekend and slipped right back into our routine of game-playing spitefulness. When Katy went home she starting seeing someone, I didn’t know the girl, she was a couple years younger than us, Katy would sometimes make out that it was nothing serious but at other times hint that it was going somewhere. From that point on I promised myself I wouldn’t sleep with her again, not while she was seeing someone else.

I really didn’t know what to do, I had been so confused about what to do with Katy and the way I still felt for her, then this came along and completely blindsided me. All of a sudden there was no way I could be sure that she’d ever take me back if I changed my mind. So I went back to the partying, the endless stream of nights out occasionally ending in chance encounters with a variety of women. I developed the occasional crush from time to time but nothing that ever came to anything more. I wouldn’t move on for anything less than love, and when I ended my relationship with Katy I hadn’t done it because I didn’t love her anymore.

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