Ever heard the saying, don’t hate the player hate the game? Well I have many times, it gets old. During my time at Uni I certainly was playing games, although it’s only when I look back now that I realise that I was caught up in these games, I honestly thought I had honest intentions.
During my first year, I got really ill, I felt what it was like to be depressed, I was getting drunk a lot, I made bad choices, I learned a lot of life lessons and I enjoyed it, hated it, loved it and was utterly and completely bored with it at times. By the time the games had begun I had been living in Portsmouth for about 2 months, Peter was still visiting regularly and it was now Winter, long cold nights where the only way to go out to play was with an alcohol jacket.
There was amazing student offers on alcohol like £1 a drink all night at our favourite bar every Monday, it worked out in such a way that you could find a cheap way to get drunk every night of the week. How could you not party all night and sleep all day with all that going on around you?!
So because of the drunken stupor that was my first year at Uni, many of the events I aim to retell are probably out of sequence as I genuinely cannot remember the order of things, I do however remember their outcomes. So we’ll start with the run up to Christmas in my first year.
It was a poor night out if I didn’t manage to pull… that sounds really trashy and awful and it was. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t bringing a different woman home every night but I did enjoy the dancing and ending the night with a kiss from an attractive lady.
Please note that definitions of attractive changes depending of the total number of alcohol units consumed and the closer you are to closing time or last orders in the bar or club that you happen to be in. Luckily most of these girls would become people I would either never see again or somehow become friends that you see out regularly and can just laugh this stuff off with.
One evening I kissed a girl towards the end of the evening, probably shortly before they turned on the lights in the club and everyone headed for the shadows like dirty cockroaches. We swapped numbers and it was the first time I ever agreed to meet up with someone after meeting them on a night out.
I can’t even remember her name… but we met up the following weekend to have a drink in the day time. In a true testament to my the effects of beer goggles here’s how the meeting went. First and foremost she was about a foot shorter than I remembered, and I already remembered that she was rather shorter than me, secondly she had one eye going to the shop and the other coming back with the change (if you get what I mean…) and lastly I spent the next hour or two trying to politely refuse another potential meeting and attempting to be friendly without giving the wrong impression until her mum came to pick her up… Yes, that’s right her mum showed up to give her a lift back to Southampton and rather than text or call to say she was waiting, she came to the bar and waited outside the window next to where we were sitting, awkward!
Needless to say I didn’t see her again after that, it was the first and last time I ever met up with someone I had met while out clubbing and completely wasted. Instead I started using the internet again, back to gaydargirls, pink-sofa , bebo and msn messenger, ah how times have changed. I actually managed to meet a few cool people that way, looking for people locally that I hadn’t seen out before and chatting with them to invite them out with me and my friends on occasions.
Being back online more meant that I opened myself up for a reconnection with Dani, we started talking again and she managed to casually inform me that she’d be in London some time in the new year and that if I wanted, that she would come and visit me in Portsmouth… Things had long been over between us and we hadn’t even talked in months that I thought it would be alright to agree to this.
Meanwhile, there was an outbreak of mumps and meningitis amongst the students. Shortly before the break up for Christmas I got very ill, and since I have a bit of a fear about going to the doctors I decided it was best to come home and be looked after in the comfort of my own home. I was very poorly and wanted nothing more than to be looked after by my mum, we might not have been seeing eye-to-eye on much these days but I was still ‘her little girl’ and I think she was relieved to see that I still needed her in some way.
Lucky for me it turned out to be just a really bad throat infection, which could have been much worse if I hadn’t had all my vaccinations. I was still pretty wiped out and didn’t much feel up to doing anything, going anywhere or seeing anyone.
I didn’t have my car anymore, my Dad had scrapped it after I went to Uni, someone had happened to smash the drivers side window which made it impossible to sell such an old car. This happened shortly after I broke up with Katy, I’ve often wondered if this was a coincidence, but I never brought it up and I don’t think it even occurred to me that anyone I knew might do something like that. Although I was still speaking with Katy regularly and she was aware that I was back early for Christmas, without my car I didn’t really have the freedom to come and go as I pleased so Katy wanted to come visit me while my parents were out at work.
She came to visit and it was great, we were able to chat like before, before the break up, before uni. It was a very confusing time for me, being there with her I couldn’t really remember any of the reasons I broke up with her. Katy was attentive and caring, it was hard to believe that we had been messing each other about in the short time we hadn’t been together.
When Katy left that day it was about an hour before my parents were due back from work. We would always be somewhat under the radar where my parents were concerned, it looked like they would never approve of me being with her. I remember showing her to the door and Katy going in for a kiss goodbye and I shot her down, I could tell I’d hurt her, but recovered by admitting that I really wanted to, but that I was just too poorly and infectious to be kissing anyone right now.
After I got better we spent the rest of the Christmas break hanging out together, it was too easy to fall back into the routine we had before I left for Uni. It was almost like the last three months hadn’t happened at all. Until I was due to go back, I left on such terms that made it clear that we weren’t back together and that I didn’t know when I’d see her again. This would become a bit of a pattern for us while I was going to and from Uni.
No one who has ever been picked up and set down by someone like they’re a toy would say that they have enjoyed the experience. I honestly didn’t realise the damage I was doing each time this happened, I was young and naive and I thought that I was being crystal clear that just because we could ‘have fun’ whenever we were together it didn’t mean that we were back on… I don’t think the message was always that clear and each time I hurt Katy more the games while we were apart and sometimes even when we were together got more spiteful by the minute.