Not moving on

Odd things happen when a relationship ends, it’s almost like you see the persons whole character for the first time. Even when you’re the one that took control and brought the relationship to an end it doesn’t mean it was what you ultimately wanted, or that you’re not disappointed when it’s all over. I was caught between two worlds, one that I didn’t want to let go off with Katy and my friends back home, the other the new and exciting freedom of being away from home with no immediate responsibilities.

It wouldn’t have been fair for me to ‘have my cake and eat it too’ which is why ultimately I made the decision to end our relationship. We both felt the disappointment, however I felt I couldn’t show that I was hurting over it at all. I pretended that I didn’t care when she tried to get a reaction out of me by telling me that she was dating other girls. I felt too guilty to show any sadness for the situation, that it would have been insensitive of me to say that I was hurting when I had so clearly hurt her.

Also, I didn’t believe half of the things Katy had said to me after we split up… she would tell me these sensational stories about girls she’d met at college who had offered her a threesome, another girl in her class that was into her and so many more. I guess I found it hard to believe because I’d never heard anything of these people until our relationship had ended, and Somerset being what it is, we were from a small town where even though I’ve moved away it still feels like everyone knows everyones business.

Although I would still go out most nights with the guys I had met at the LGBT society through Uni I still never really put myself out there as available. I just wanted the freedom to do enjoy myself without feeling any kind of guilt. I wasn’t sleeping around, I was just enjoying going out dancing and getting drunk with my new friends. Peter came to visit shortly after Katy and I and split up, he enjoyed the partying as much as I did. For a while he visited almost every weekend.

Break ups do funny things to people, I was fascinated about the gossip Peter would have for me each week, hoping to find out how Katy was doing, whether there was any truth to the stories she was telling me. He was caught between a rock and a hard place, I don’t think he honestly knew what he could and couldn’t tell me. Peter didn’t have to even say it, I knew that Katy was in worse shape than she was making out to me and that she wasn’t moving on either.

Then maybe about a month later, Peter came to visit and things were different. Katy was beginning to move on, there was a girl she had met through the youth centre that was into her and I got the idea that something had happened between them. It was crazy how much it bothered me, I didn’t really know what to do with this information. I was upset that she seemed to be moving on so quickly, yet at the same time I was a little relieved, I didn’t need to feel so guilty anymore, if she was moving on, so could I.

Moving on is the wrong term, because I wouldn’t really move on from her for years beyond this break up. A more appropriate term might have been retaliation. That evening me and Peter would be joining all my Uni friends for a monthly LGBT night at a club in Gunwharf Quays, it pulled quite a good crowd and the music was great. For the first time I started flirting with some of the girls I saw out regularly…

By the end of the night it was clear that a girl called Emma was rather interested in me, however I didn’t feel the same way back. Her friend Trisha on the other hand seemed alright and she invited me and my friends back to hers to continue the party. Between the time it took for everyone to grab their coats and get into a taxi Trisha had kissed me, I don’t even remember how it happened, but I know it caused an argument between Emma and Trisha. There’s always lesbian drama on a night out like this, I never thought I could be the cause of it.

I was drunk, I was having a good time, the situation certainly boosted my ego and my self esteem. I wanted to retaliate and start moving on, so even though I had come between these two friends, I still went to the house party that night with Trisha. This was my first ever one night stand, I’d like to say the first and last but sadly that isn’t true.

It was a comical experience, we were both drunk and clumsy, when we’d gotten back to the house party it was actually quite busy, our first problem was finding a place where we could be alone. As soon as we’d found a room it wasn’t long before we got carried away, the funniest thing I remember about the whole experience was one line from her before we got down to it… “I hope you don’t mind, I squirt” now this is probably the most graphic information you will ever get out of me about a sexual encounter. It was a testament to how drunk I was and how much I wanted to have sex with someone, anyone, that I still went through with it after that. Now the really annoying thing was that she was finished before I was, which would have been fine if Chris hadn’t interrupted.

Chris hadn’t arrived at the party at the same time as me, but when he did get there I discovered that there had been other drama’s unfolding that night. Me and Trisha left things unfinished and went our separate ways, no hard feelings. That night I went home with Peter and Chris and we stayed up most of the night trading stories as each of us had an interesting time that evening.

I wasn’t planning on telling Katy anything about what had happened, I knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of such information and I didn’t feel that I had any right to hurt her even more than I already had. Of course, she’d hear about it eventually, it’s not practical to expect mutual friends to keep secrets for you and I didn’t feel like it was something I had to keep from my friends. I had entered into the break up game play without even noticing, Katy had dealt the first blow and my retaliation would only bring on further rounds in this battle. Neither of us would win.

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