First Love

I loved her, Katy. There was no other word for it, although she wasn’t what I expected for the first woman I would ever fall in love with, I was happy with what we had and I didn’t want anything or anyone else. Like I’ve said before commitment is not my problem, finding someone who is as committed to me as I am to them is.

What we had was ridiculously passionate, as soon as I had experienced that first kiss I was eager for more. So many days and evenings we spent locked away in her bedroom, listening to the same music over and over (Tatu, Alex Parks for anyone that remembers them).

I wrote again for my online diary, specifically a quite narrative account of my first kiss with Katy, I don’t think it left anything to the imagination. Needless to say Dani read it and the ensuing argument made me feel awful. I’m generally a very kind person and I never meant to upset anyone, but I managed to hurt Dani, it seemed she thought that we had something exclusive, I didn’t think as she did. From this moment I had entered into a relationship with Katy me and Dani were explicitly over.

Times were tough, not only was I experiencing what it was like to be loved for the first time I was also an outcast. I felt like my family didn’t have any interest in my happiness, that I was left to just coast through my a levels and hope for the best. Now that I had discovered women, I would let my education slip, and fulfil the needs of a horny teenager. I’d managed to cut ties with my parents in such a way that they had no idea just how much my studies were suffering.

I had my seventeenth birthday, and I had started driving lessons. I couldn’t wait to pass my test. Being able to drive meant nights out in Bristol, and generally freedom that I had never experienced before. I remember very clearly my first night out in Bristol after I’d passed my test (first time I might add!), we ended up at the Queen Shilling, and although I was somewhere for the first time completely gay, me and Katy never spent more than a minute apart, and even less time glued at the lips.

Our first kiss had been perfect, yet the first time we had sex I must admit was a little anti-climatic. The attraction was evident, we had no self control when we were alone together. It was early evening and we had arranged to meet up with Peter and Simon to go for dinner in Bath. It’s a simple case of one thing lead to another and before we knew it we were getting carried away.

My first time felt rushed, we had only a few minutes before we were due to meet our friends for dinner, yet at the same time it meant something more than any time I had ever been intimate with anyone, the way that Katy touched me made it clear that this was something new for both of us. Almost immediately after our first time together we had our first argument. I wanted to know why she had lied to me about her past experiences, I was more crafty, I had chose not to tell the truth and everything she had guessed about my past she had guessed incorrectly.

It was difficult even then, to come back from such a set back. If I hadn’t been so sure about how I felt now I think I could have easily walked away. Sometimes life changes you, I never thought I would love her, but I did. I never thought about much past finishing my a levels. I was so engrossed in what me and Katy had that I started letting every other aspect of my life change.

I spent more time with Katy than my friends, I managed to alienate myself from almost everything that had been important to me. To this day I still have no idea how I passed my a levels. Me and Katy craved each other, we spent every waking moment we could together, making love, exploring the great outdoors, sneaking around behind our parents backs. Life was finally interesting. But I often wondered how long this could last.


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