Imagine all those analogies where fear can be perceived by the feared. You know like how people say things like horses can tell when you’re afraid of them, children run riot if you’re too scared to take control? Things like that. Well the one they don’t tell you is that a women can tell if you’re not as interested she is. Even if they win you over in the end she will hold on to that feeling for the rest of your relationships existence.
That feeling of inequality will be there in every disagreement, it will bleed insecurities into even the most strongest affection, or even love. I genuinely believe this now when I look back at my first relationship, the one with Katy (somehow what I had with Dani didn’t seem to ‘count’ anymore). She knew all along that I was never quite sure, well not as sure as she was about how she felt for me.
Put that together with the little white lies we had already told each other, although it would be months before we discovered that we were actually each others first everything. It was these two factors that really stopped our relationship progressing initially. I held on to the fear.
I was scared to be involved with someone who clearly felt more for me than I did for them, I was equally as scared about being with someone who had already experienced being with someone when I hadn’t. So I exaggerated some previous experiences, and I held back on that moment when we would have our first kiss. I cared enough that I didn’t want to hurt Katy, I worried more about getting hurt myself.
Each week (on a Thursday) the three of us, Katy, Peter and I would walk home from the pub. Katy and Peter would pretty much walk me to my door each night. I knew that Katy wanted to kiss me, it had come up in conversation once or twice… Peter started hanging back each evening, leaving Katy to walk me home for the first few weeks the flirting had been limited to texting only, each time we were left alone now it seeped into conversation, it was easier to flirt than to make the first move, I was still too scared.
It took eight weeks for us to finally pluck up the courage to take the leap from friends to flirtation to that first kiss. In a break from routine we had started hanging out at Katy’s house, one evening the three of us were up in Katy’s room watching films and it was getting late, Peter was teasing us relentlessly by now about the fact that we were taking things at a snails pace. He made some excuse to leave which left me and Katy alone, in her bedroom.
By this time we both wanted this to happen, we’d put it off for too long, I have no idea where my confidence came from but I feel like I made the first move. I got up as I knew I’d have to leave with Peter, but waited for Katy to come to me to say goodnight properly. She made a comment about feeling really awkward, I said it didn’t have to be and I reached out and took both her hands and pulled her closer to me. It wasn’t awkward at all, our first kiss felt just right, commitment has never been a problem of mine, this was the start of something for us.
It wouldn’t be clear for months, maybe even years the damage we had done in those early days when we were too scared to be honest with each other. More immediately we had a bigger problem at hand, we were eager to spend more time together, but Katy was firmly in the closet, my parents certainly didn’t approve… How on earth were we supposed to spend time together? Things were about to get exciting, in all the best ways.