Fitting in everywhere and nowhere

All throughout my life I guess that is exactly how I’ve felt. I either feel like I’m sticking out like a sore thumb because I just don’t fit in with everyone around me, or I feel like I identify with every single subset of those around me and I don’t quite know where to place myself.

So in my life at this moment in time I had groups… my best friends at school were my straight girl friends, one other friend that had decided to go to college in the next town over but lived just up the road from me, then over a period of a few weeks and months now I had gay friends. I never had to be at home if I could help it, if I ever wasn’t busy with my friends I’d take our gorgeous springer spaniel Barney out for walks.

My parents had let up a little about my sexual preferences, now I usually received the line ‘You treat this place like a hotel…’ which I did. Their reaction in general didn’t exactly make me wish to confide in them, so I didn’t like to disclose who I was spending my time with or what I was doing. Parents being parents, found that worrisome and disrespectful, I found them nosey and interfering.

Outside of college and plans with my girl friends, I spent most of my time with Jenna (the before mentioned girl up the road) she was actually the very first person I ever told I was gay. We were always there for each other throughout our teenage years, I was there for her while her parents got divorced and she was there for me when ever I needed a chat.

We would spend days and nights together often, just doing things that girls do like staying up late listening to music, watching scary films, singing into hairbrushes and dancing around like idiots. She was training to be a hairdresser and I would occasionally model for her. We spent a lot of time together really, and we were close, but only ever friends. However to someone on the outside looking in, who knew about my preferences, I can understand how they might have gotten the wrong idea. Katy got the wrong idea, she thought that me and Jenna were an item.

So when I’d finally given into Peter’s request to meet up with him and Katy one night and go to the pub for a few drinks and meet some of their gay friends I felt like I was being set up the whole evening. Peter was the puppet master pulling the strings and attempting to bring Katy and I together. I think he was ticking down a list, he asked me whether I was seeing anybody, about my close friendship with Jenna, likes, dislikes, what was my type and always referring back to Katy whenever we had anything remotely in common.

I remember the first time we met up quite clearly, it was a Thursday night, I doubt I would have remembered that though if it hadn’t become a regular occurrence. Peter and Katy worked together part-time at the shop at the end of my street. I had arranged to meet them there and we’d all walk to the pub together. I’d been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on TV before going out, it was timed quite well that I wouldn’t have to leave my house until the titles rolled, I guess that was my way of coping with any nerves I may have had.

It was too late for first impressions, I already knew who Katy was, and due to an earlier incident in which she had bullied a close friend of mine years before I was pretty ready not to like her. I had Dani as an excuse too, although I was losing interest fast in that situation, I’m nothing if not loyal and faithful. I would hang on to whatever it was I had with Dani until I was ready to put myself out there and experience something else.

Getting to know Katy was a really long process. We’d all started meeting up every week on a Thursday and heading to the Mason’s Arms. There I met Al, Laura, Emma, Kelly, Lesley and Janet. It was fun to meet up with them and hear their stories about nights and trips they’d all had together, coming out experiences, discovering that there were actually gay bars in the South West! I felt like a whole new ‘scene’ was suddenly available to me.

I was also getting to know Katy, she wasn’t as awful as I’d first thought. She had a tough exterior which I couldn’t quite figure out, but she was alright. I could see that her friends were important to her and I liked that about her. We could talk quite easily, I don’t think we particularly had much in common but conversations were effortless. We exchanged numbers and the texting began, we would chat about anything from music, TV, women, just generally trying to figure each other out and get to know each other a bit more.

I wrote to Dani while she was in Australia and ended whatever it was that we had. I don’t know how I managed it but I ended things in such a way that we still stayed in touch. The tenor of our letters changed, Dani was probably more hurt than I first realised, she tried to make me jealous by writing to me about a girl she started seeing, unfortunately for her it didn’t work. During this time I still used my online diary and wrote poetry endlessly, I still posted online as I enjoyed blogging.

I eventually learned that Peter wasn’t the puppet master… Katy was. She confessed to having admired me from a far for a long time but never acting because she thought that Jenna and I were together. Katy also confessed that Peter had acted on her behalf when he had invited me out to meet up. It’s funny how this shift in perspective altered everything, she wasn’t just someone available that my friend was trying to set me up with because we were both gay, she knew other lesbians but she liked me.

After this discovery I found that I was more encouraging of her affections, I liked that she fancied me and wanted to be with me. I still wasn’t sure if we were really right for each other, but I was no longer ruling it out. I was still petrified of taking the plunge and experiencing my first kiss, my first everything with another woman, but when I thought about it now I could picture it being Katy, I guess you could say she had won me over, she wasn’t the unpleasant person I had thought all along, she was truly kind, sweet and even sometimes a little vulnerable with me.

Up until this point we had only made one mistake, we had both exaggerated about our past experiences, too scared that an admission of inexperience would make things between us too awkward and nervy. But that was only one little white lie, that couldn’t completely damage everything we had before it had even started? Could it?

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