Ok, so every story has to have a starting point, I hope with my previous post I’ve already managed to set the scene for my present situation. I have to admit I’m not sure where to start, there are a lot of ugly memories I’m pretty sure I have blocked out. Sometimes I meet up with my old school friends and they tell me stories about me, I don’t remember a thing but it usually always sounds like something I’d do.
So now, do I start with my first kiss with a girl, which happened to be when I was just five years old, and tragically my first kiss, was a kiss goodbye. Quite frankly if I started that far back I’d never manage to get to the good parts before everyone could possibly lose interest.
That leaves just one possible starting point, my last blog. In my adolescent ramblings on a free online diary, I was so ridiculously self indulgent and attempting to find myself, I took to writing. Well it must have helped, there was revelation after revelation, and then one day I wasn’t rambling anymore, I had an audience.
Audience might be a bit of an exaggeration, curiosity had led me to two different forums one for poetry and one for LGBT. To this day I’m not sure exactly what led me into that forum but let’s see if I can figure that out today, maybe it was because for the first time I had really opened my eyes and realised that lesbians where everywhere, on TV, ‘out’ at school, my cousins next door neighbours and I was trying to make sense off my fascination, the way it all seemed perfectly natural to me, which until that very first post was something I had vehemently denied to myself and everyone around me.
If I remember rightly it started with the poetry, I had an A4 purple notebook that I would write in almost every day, to me it was like writing my thoughts and feelings in a manner that only I could decipher the true meaning. I think the book in question is up in the loft of my parents house, I should really dig it out. One day I felt brave and I decided that some of my poems were actually quite good (if I do say so myself!) so I put them online hoping to receive some positive, certainly not constructive criticism.
Perhaps surprisingly, I received some comments on my poems, good ones, encouraging ones. I was pretty sure I was already on the brink on the mammoth revelation that I, Elena am a raving homosexual but one of these comments caught my eye… In the tag of one of my commenters was a hyperlink to the LGBT group where this person also posted, I started reading her blogs, leaving comments, we became friends. Her name was Dani, she was older than me, on another continent, she was confident and gay, and most importantly, someone I could talk to about everything I was feeling confused about without awkwardness.
So that’s where I’ll start, I was 16 years old, in my first year of studying for my A Levels. My life until this point had found me in and out of friendships with girls, in and out of more relationships with boys (always exiting before things got too serious) and keeping my head down and focussing on my coursework. Everything was about to change.